Should I stay or should I go? A traveler's decision.

Apparently I was made in Paris. My parents jumped from country to country whilst I was in the womb, forsaking ties, family and jobs for pure undiluted freedom. That was what I was used to, I've lived many places in my life and as a small child I only resented moving once and that was many years later in a place I did not belong.

I get it from my mother, by her nature, she is a traveller. Originally from the Philippines, she has a way with communication for any language, in any country. 

So it comes down to me. I'm a 20 year old student with a need for travelling. I have to feel connected to nature, to the world, to travel and see sights for myself to function happily and properly. 

But let me repeat that: I'm a student. 

I have a part-time job, I have a very sensible, home-orientated boyfriend and by all accounts, I should be more than content.I'm tied in by commitment and safety, on my way to a formal qualification set, a nice house and eventually a well-paid job.

But there's a niggling unrest growing in the back of my mind and it has been for quite some time now: I don't want to be here right now. I want to run with someone (a friend, a soul mate, a traveller like me) and hitch-hike across Europe, nick oranges from the roadside in Spain, sleep holding my backpack and cycle down winding hillsides.   

I'm sure I can't be the only person out there who feels like this.

There must be many people reading who feel the same, but although I now live in a port, I have found no one like me. It confuses me how everybody is so tied into their lives and wouldn't dream of moving. It worries me - why am I different? 

Why are we different?

There are factors in life as well that we need to consider - with jobs getting increasingly cut-throat competition wise, every step up on another candidate is essential. Would our erratic travelling, our increased experiences and multiple cobbled-together language skills hinder or help our job prospects?  

I've found that often the point of most inner turmoil is also the point closest to clarity.

We don't yet know who we are - we need to travel to form our own ideas, to mature as people. I think the defining point is when you look inside and think:

"Do I need this?"

 For me, I think that might be the case.

Maybe there isn't really a choice to make - traditional values hold that you should get an education first, work hard as soon as you can. But who is stopping us from getting our education slightly later in life, when we have had our life experiences and know who we are? If you're reading this, you're probably blessed to live in a first world country where this is an option, where you can get a job relatively easily. There's a safety net, if needed. So really, what are we so confused about? I know, as an awful truth, the feeling that sticks with you for the longest, is regret. I don't want to tell my grandchildren that I was too scared to take the leap.

The Enigmatic Route

The Enigmatic Route.

It's the enigmatic route,
It's being told to shut my thighs,
But I'm the mother of all your vices
and you're opening your flies.

We're not the furthest thing from heaven,
however hard you try,
But still I'm buying a 5 foot 4 coffin
and I'll burying my lies.

If there's no smoke without fire,
It's not love if you don't fight,
and if our winter turns to summer,
I hope you'll see me in a different light.

This is a really old poem of mine, but I still like it :)

I really have no excuse not to publish all of these now do I?

:)

I never thought

There was a resounding thump from inside my chest,

reminiscent of a base drum this morning,

it woke me from sleep and opened my eyes to warm lights,

heavy thoughts and deep breathing.

It was accompanied by a strange feeling,

a moment stolen, I'm still reeling,

Because lately you've been the sun,

pushing away my rain,

Lately you've been the light,

chasing darkness from my brain.

This resounding thump continued,

and with my head on your chest,

I could hear your heartbeat,

the sound I thought I'd put to rest.

I thought I'd forgotten love,

I thought I'd forgotten trust,

because lately it's been lust and fights,

I've honed my quick trigger finger and my thick steel walls,

but you are something different, you have made me fall.

And in your arms, through green-gold haze

I'll admit, just this once,you could come and calm the storms

I never though, I'd ever feel this way

I never thought you would stop my pain

--- ok that was rubbish, mainly because I was focusing on my spanish poetry ...

tienes los ojos como las estrellas,

como la interminable mar,

incomparable, sin fin,

ilimitadas puntas en mi alma, donde esperas

tu voz es como el sonido de hogar

como las olas se estrellan alrededor de nosotros,

donde estamos los captivos del naturaleza,

bajo el cielo, si no viviendo en cielo

tus labios estan como los abrazos de suenos,

se apresuran por avante y se raza la oscuridad

hasta la madrugada, cuando me olvido de mi en tus brazos

y saludamos el sol naciente con pequenos andanadas de extasis

Living life on the petrol light

So I'm going to put up another really old poem of mine. It's kind of sweet and really innocent, I probably wrote it about 5 years ago now so the naivety is just absolutely golden to me. You can tell though that I'm expecting love to be a long and difficult journey. I'm a psychic.

I’d like to live to learn a different way,

Through your eyes and press replay,

To feel you heartbeat through your shirt,

To hold your hand through all this hurt,

I’d like to look at love between the sheets,

To kiss you sweetly on the cheek,

Through the night-time all I dream,

Is you’re my king and I’m your queen.

I’d like to live to hear the sound,

Of your laughter echo all around,

Or maybe miss that subtle joke,

To go out shopping although we’re broke.

I’d like to live to feel the breeze,

of rhythmic breathing whist you’re asleep,

a caress across my skin I learn,

that it’s not hate, but love that burns.

The love that I can no longer keep,

The heart that beats away from me,

The hand that hides your face as you cry,

When you turned and said goodbye.

I’d hate to live to feel the ache,

To be alone every single day,

But what’s the difference between that hate and now?

The show has ended, so take a bow,

Take off the makeup, take off the smile,

Hide the sorrow, hide the frown.

And dreaming is all that’s left,

The one thing I’ve insured against theft,

In my memories, or in between,

Where we live that lifetime, in my dreams.

MyInnerHeart She was there in my dreams, my inner heart- She lingered by the beach’s shore, Perching on the vicious rocks, Angry and pointed in total chaos, Beat upon by the sea. Black hair flew like tattered silk Reaching out to the expanse She smiled and turned and put to me, “Wouldn’t you love to sing The rhythms of the waves If you could capture the sea Drifting lazily in and out Of consciousness A dream so sublime The angles failed to capture it. Wouldn’t you love to sing The rhythms of the waves Its slow resounding heartbeat Crashing heavily, sighing lightly Drifting lazily in and out Of memories The thousands made and cherished.” She was there in my dreams, my inner heart- She lingered by the beach’s shore, Perching on the viscous rocks, Angry and pointed in total chaos, Beat upon by the sea. She’d always been there, and I’d always answer yes.

ok these ARE my deviantart posts. but hey, originality doesn't pay

urghggh

I wish

I wish I could write you a million lines,
each one ageless and priceless throughout time,
I wish I could give you the stars in the sky,
because the sun's far too lonely to give to my love

I wish I could move us far far away
and I would be true to you to the end of my days,
I wish I was sweet and loving and kind,
not bitter and callous and falling behind

For I am something rotten inside,
I'm sure of a virus, my sickness of mind,
I am angry and sharp and quick to judge,
I will break you and fuck you and sell all the parts

Its selfish for me to hold you so close,
or really is it you who's holding the noose?
This distance between us is a cavern in this bed,
you're fighting and snarling alone in your head.

I see the end, it's evenly matched,
you'll break me and I'll destroy you in a world ending crash,
more poisonous and dangerous and difficult to love,
treading water to keep your head above
you'll be broken and bitter,
I'll be sick still,
the voice in my head saying
"that went well"

So I what I really wish is that we'd never met,
To take back this energy I've spent,
But now we have, please stay close,
I'll give you the world of a strange little girl,
Just put your hand in mine, and we'll run blind,
Leaving the promise of our collision a million miles behind.

Uhh.

The music in my veins is fading,

like a slow steady thrumming running out of my veins.

Sweetheart tell me, is it my head or my heart that's out of time?

Please count the rhythm for me, please be my metronome.

Please be my metronome, please be mine.

- This seems to be all that I can write for now, that is half decent. In the meantime, enjoy a pissed off poem below, that is pure rubbish.

There are icicles in my heart,

I am cold and dark and cruel,

I am pushing against a wall that seems to never move,

Break it down and it'll break you

Find me on the edge of the knife

I am the grazed, shaking fingers scrabbling through the dirt

There are icicles in my heart,

Fight me on the ocean deep

I am a million tonnes of pressure on your chest,

The wall you push against that never seems to move

Breathe me under greying skies

I am the chlorine gas filling the chamber,

I am the poison that festers in your soul

For I am everything you wish you'd be,

Break me down and I will break you.

I want to lie down in a field and listen to City & Colour, whilst watching the stars go by

So, I've got a new "project" called An Hour Before Dawn.

I'll put up our first song within the next month :)